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October 2016

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Oct. 6th, 2016

Hand

Spider Follow-Up

This is a follow-up to the spider incident on Monday.
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Oct. 4th, 2016

Me

A Phone Call With Leopardus

Tuesday, October 4th 2016
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I told Paladin about the spiders on Tuesday morning, and my worry that Hibiscus wouldn't be happy about my choice to visit Metheus.
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"I would be sad if your relationship with Metheus somehow hurt Hibiscus, even if it didn't hurt me directly," Paladin said. Hearing Paladin's words warmed my heart. He loves his metamour, I thought, smiling.
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Oct. 3rd, 2016

Cry

Three Spider Bites

Monday, October 3rd 2016
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I felt lethargic on Monday morning. I proposed to myself that I needed self-care and spent time taking deep breaths on Hibiscus's balcony and then soaked in the bathtub. Paladin spent time cleaning things that he brought from Snowland.
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That night I felt terribly lonely. Paladin went to bed early, Metheus wasn't still around after Windows 10 spent over an hour updating my computer from 8:15pm to 9:29pm. Overseas where Hibiscus was, it was long past midnight.
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I began making a recording for Metheus in the dark. "I didn't know I would end up being alone tonight," I began, tears rolling down my face. I paused it often to collect my thoughts. "I don't know what was wrong with me today. I felt so unable to feel inspired about anything. I forced myself to go outside and breathe in the fresh air. I opened up all the windows even though it made the house cold." I detailed my other self-care of the day, including journaling – writing always helped.
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"I suppose when you listen to this, you're going to ask why it is so bad to be alone . . . My chest hurts. My face hurts. I have this sense that I wouldn't hurt if someone was with me. I feel like I'm grieving. Like it means that nobody cares about me, because if they did, I wouldn't be alone. And my stomach hurts a bit, because I ate three-quarters of a huge squash." I went on about everything I ate, and the enzymes I took. "My ardent, dogmatic, raw-food self that I created a while back wouldn't fall into this trap, because that me wouldn't eat squash because I only enjoy it cooked." I went on about all the things I wouldn't eat if I were a dogmatic raw foodist again.
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Oct. 2nd, 2016

Smile

I'm Proud of Me

Sunday, October 2nd 2016
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Eagle made me tea. I pulled out of the fridge a pint-and-a-half jar full of raw goat milk and thawed raspberries and ate them for breakfast. Eagle's room-mate joined us. My memory told me that she was vegan. I wondered how she felt about my goat milk, but she didn't comment on it.
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Eagle and I went back into his room after breakfast. We cuddled and talked more.
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Paladin picked me up at twelve-thirty. He'd loaded up the car with more of our things – mostly his things – from my parents' house. Last time we'd made a "Snowland run" for things, I'd done most of the carrying and car-packing. This time I'd let Paladin do all of it – and the driving too.
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. . .
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Paladin pulled up in front of Hibiscus's house. I looked at the house and a rush of Hibiscus's energy flooded me. But Hibiscus is not here, I thought, my eyebrows drawing together, my heart beating faster. I turned to Paladin and threw myself into his lap (which was awkward with the steering wheel against my shoulder).
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"Hibiscus isn't here," I whined. We stayed like that for five or ten minutes before I mustered the will to leave the car.
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"At least the sun is shining for the unloading," Paladin said as he opened his car door. It had been raining most of the drive. Heavily, so that we'd barely been able to talk. The driving conditions had been too grueling.
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When the weather had been clear enough, I spoke of Eagle.
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"Are you proud of me?" I asked.
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"Yes. I'm happy for you," Paladin said.
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"I'm proud of me," I said. (Referring to what had happened last night.)

Oct. 1st, 2016

Shy Smile

Previously, Saying "No" Had Always Meant Suffering

A trip from Silverstag Eco Hamlet to Snowland with Paladin and talking about Metheus. A raw potluck reuniting me with old friends which included a powerful experience with Gavreel. Then a night beside Eagle, a lover of mine from 2014 who I had not seen in over a year.
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Sep. 28th, 2016

Me

Paladin Mimicked My Energy

Tuesday night I struggled to fall asleep. Hibiscus's words from Sunday's phone conversation, "I miss you missing me," and my slow shift toward a more accomplishment-oriented mind-set had brought me to sense of emptiness. It had brought me away from Paladin's vibration. My Taoist energy had evaporated, leaving behind a gnawing, pulling, desperate energy.
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I did some reading. I wrote Hibiscus a hand-written note as well as an e-mail. I recorded ten minutes of myself to send to Metheus, and decided to copy it to Hibiscus as well. Around one o'clock in the morning I finally fell asleep. At seven o'clock I was awake, hoping that Paladin would be too. I went into his room, but he was still asleep.
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I went downstairs and prepared cacao-oat cookies for the raw vegan potluck that I'd arranged to have happen in Snowland that weekend when Paladin and I would be visiting. As a secondary inspiration, I made turmeric-tamarind-oat cookies as well.
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It was almost nine o'clock in the morning when I returned to Paladin's bedroom. He was still asleep. I crawled into his bed-covers and woke him. I touched him longingly, feeling as if I were in a surreal dream.
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"What are you feeling?" Paladin asked me at one point.
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"Taught strings running through my body. Electric blue strings on a midnight blue screen, pulling grasping, yet everything is sand through my fingers," I said, my voice distant from my awareness.
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Time oozed – congealed and lumpy. Awareness ebbed and flowed. Paladin's fingers on my back. Soft blankets against my face. Pain in my tailbone. Stretching my legs after an interminable period of folded space. Light coming as a surprise; blinking in the brightness of the chink of sunlight coming in beneath the shades.
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He asked me something, and I said, "Your trust is more valuable to me." Images of violently attacking him came to mind. It wasn't that I wanted him hurt, but that I wanted to experience hurting him. And it wasn't that I wanted that – it was part of me. A part I kept folded away.
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Sep. 27th, 2016

Incredulous

"Holy Pistachio Butter"

Continued fairly directly from here.
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Sunday, September 25th 2016
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Early in the morning I wandered into Paladin's room. It was delightful to have him awake before me. It meant that I could seek out his company immediately upon waking and feel his energy enveloping me.
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"It feels like it did back when we lived in Snowland," I said, my heart pulsating.
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Paladin nodded and then began to cry. "We can at least capture a piece of it," he said through his sobs. I held him and shed a few tears myself.
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A few hours later we were in my room. I remarked: "I keep thinking it is early in September, but it's not. It's the twenty-fifth."
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"Holy pistachio butter," Paladin said, his voice full of genuine surprise as well as humor.
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"That does sound holy," I said. He chuckled. I smiled. Yes, we still had it in us.
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Sep. 24th, 2016

Shy Smile

Paladin's Deepest Fears – Part 2

This entry is continued directly from the last post. Please click here if you have not already read the previous post.
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Sep. 23rd, 2016

Sexy

Paladin's Deepest Fears – Part 1

This story is quite the game changer for Paladin and I. This is one of my more interesting and worthwhile reads in my own opinion, so please do give it a read, and comment as you feel inspired.
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Sep. 20th, 2016

Smile

Curious Metheus

Monday, September 19th 2016
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Metheus wrote me for the first time on August 4th. Monday, September 19th 2016, we talked for the first time over the phone. (Not too long after I had written Mahks.) Prior to hearing his voice, I had been nervous about hearing it. He writes so oddly. He's going to speak oddly too.
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And then, he sounded so natural that it took me by surprise. Speaking to him was easy. His affectations were like my own. How could that be? I had become convinced that English was his second language.
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"English is my second language," he said to me, as if reading my thoughts. "Because speaking verbally comes second to my first language – feelings."
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I chuckled. It wouldn't have made much sense to me, except that I'd had the experience of remembering what it was like to be pre-words just this past April, when Hibiscus, Paladin and I had been at the polyamory gathering.
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"I've become my words," I told him. I heard him saying in an emphatic whisper, "Yes, yes!"
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