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Nov. 24th, 2014

Me

She wants my husband

[11:54am]
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I've figured out why sex with women appeals to me, but only if I imagine that I'm a man, or watching a man have sex with a woman... Or if I get to fist her, forcefully (which I've never done either forcefully or gently). It is simply because I feel that sex is about taking. The part that I enjoy is reveling in someone being self-ish. I wish everyone could be more self-centered. Take care of your own god-damned needs so that I don't have to.
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I hate that my husband is sick. How dare he get sick when I needed the respite, I needed a rest, I needed someone to take care of me. Rationally, I don't hold it against him, but I'm trying to unlearn being rational. I am striving to feel again. Something long buried, long shut-out.
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She loves him. Oryx loves my husband. She not only loves him, but she's very attracted to him. A year ago, I wanted her to be attracted to him, to love him, to want him. I urged him to do more pull-ups and get more fit partially for my own viewing benefit, partly for his health... and partly so other women might be more interested in him.
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She might as well have said, "By the way Nuria, I'm working on my baggage about body-types, but when I'm done with that, I'm going to sleep with your husband."
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I'm such a bitter, raving, person inside. It is no wonder I shut myself out so long ago.

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