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Me

May 2015

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May. 25th, 2015

Bikini

Oral Sex: Am I Journaling or Is This Erotica?

Several months previously, during a consciousness-awareness process on his sexual issues, he said, "I thought I had overcome some of my sexual repression, but I didn't. I just repressed my repression. There are layers upon layers blocking my original sexuality."
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Those layers of repression were least evident when his cock filled my mouth, and so I learned to crave it. I became aroused by it. More and more often I masturbated while I mouthed him. I even learned to crave him in my throat; the uncomfortable, invasive feeling bringing me closer to that feeling on union, that sacred feeling of oneness.
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May. 24th, 2015

Sexy

Confessing Love To Mermaid & Inviting A Sungod To Fuck Me

"Yeah, maybe. You could be the shot girl. I know you don't drink, but we could be a team. You could help me attract guys and I could split some of the dance money with you if you don't want to dance."
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Actually, I think I might like to dance, I thought.
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~
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I glanced toward his crotch. Was that a slight bulge under his pants? And then I was panting. And he was getting undressed. I took him into my mouth eagerly. I pulled out a condom, one that happened to be purple.
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May. 16th, 2015

Incredulous

The Emotions Inform The Mind: Not The Other Way Around

I told her I loved her.
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The night before I dreamed of her and told her that I loved her with anger, sorrow and frustration in my voice. In my dream I had thrown a glass of water while speaking to her, and she had started crying.
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She didn't respond directly to me telling her that I love her, but she also didn't close the door on my affections. She said things were always awkward with women and that she was afraid of getting hurt.
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May. 14th, 2015

Me

My Money Story

The next assignment asked me to write my "money story," starting with my first memory about money.
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When I was about five, maybe six, my mom was giving me a four-dollar a week allowance. Each week after dance-class I was able to go to a store to buy something with my four dollars. One week she said to me, "You could save it until next week you know, and then you could buy something worth eight dollars."
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I thought about that, but felt it wasn't worth it. It'd take twenty dollars to get a nice Barbie doll or nifty toy, so that would take five weeks, which was essentially forever. I said as much to my mom, who seemed disappointed with my response.
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"Good things come to those who wait," she said. Then she said she'd hold my four dollars for me for next week, and I became very upset. It felt like betrayal. Seeing my distress she gave in and let me spend it.
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May. 11th, 2015

Sexy

The Heart of Money

"In most families, when we are relatively young, money is established as a system of punishment and reward. This is where some of our money patterns and flawed beliefs take root. At the core of this is the gradual forming of an underlying belief that only if and when we are "good" are we worthy of receiving money."
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May. 10th, 2015

Hunched

A Cry In The Woods

Excerpt:
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When I was twelve I lost my virginity. At some point later that year my dad came to talk to me about sex. I was tired. I didn't want to talk. I told him, "Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore." At the time I was proud that this declaration sent him away. I felt powerful. But now those words are ashes in my mouth. I feel like it was bitter and mean to throw that at him in exasperation, as though he wasn't just trying to be loving and caring. I must have stung him quite badly, for he didn't respond at all.
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I'm sorry I said that, now. I wish I could go back to that time and have the conversation with him; whatever it was that he wanted to say, now I want to hear it.
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May. 7th, 2015

Incredulous

Doubts and Difficulities at Redbud

Excerpt: "I feel lonely," I said to him. "I guess I always feel lonely when surrounded by people, but unable to connect with any of them."
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May. 6th, 2015

Hunched

Arrival In A New Location: A Community

Excerpt: In the afternoon I saw my dad laying on the hammock beside the beautiful, babbling brook. I felt drawn to join him, to speak to him, to say, "Hey dad, let's be friends." But something in me hesitated and I passed silently up the path instead.
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May. 2nd, 2015

Shattered

Fading into Dysfunction

Excerpt from post: I texted Gongchan (a local, male, fairly attractive, single friend of mine), "I feel like my relationship with Paladin is very slowly fading into dysfunction ... And I'm not sure what to do about it besides just let it go. I feel like I've tried everything, you know?."

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Me

Sometimes you feel great, sometimes you don't

Two days before departure I sat desolately folding laundry in the attic. Paladin probably thought I was folding laundry because he was folding laundry, but I only realized he was also folding laundry after I started. I had lost my appetite for breakfast. He didn't ask why I hadn't made him the smoothie I said I was making. He didn't say anything, actually. I didn't look at him, so I don't know if he looked at me.
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I had showed him a fork I had bent accidentally. I didn't realize that breaking up frozen fruit with it would bend it. I had broken up frozen fruit with forks many times and never had them bend before. I told him this and apologized, but it was clear he was put out with me. I lost my breakfast appetite then. I had confessed my mistake despite my misgivings and then felt the exact pain and rejection I had hoped I would not. I could have hidden the fork or tried to fix it myself, but instead I confessed... And then felt rejected.
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